There’s BLACK. There’s WHITE. And then .. there’s GREY.
Some days I wake up feeling a lack of fulfillment – an emptiness of sorts. And all I want is to do something that matters – something that makes a difference, somehow. It’s very very frustrating – like getting lost and trying to find your way out but you realize you’re going in circles and there’s no way out and there’s no one to help you or save you. It’s this abstract feeling and I have no clue as to how to make it go away.
In a realization that resulted from a fit of irrational behavior, I understood that cleaning, organizing and fixing things helped make this feeling go away. And as insane as all this was, on some level I wanted to stop fixing things and instead fix a person – save a person. Be it saving someone metaphorically or literally, I became infatuated with the idea of saving lives – an absurd solution to get rid of feeling the lack of fulfillment. I now walk around yearning to find someone that needs saving. I just want to walk into their life – be the light that makes everything alright.
Saving someone will help save me, or at least I hope it will.
I’m not always good with handling emotion(s). When all of it gets bottled up and I feel saturated to the point of exploding I resort to watching sad movies or TV shows that can stimulate my tear ducts (without a trigger I’m just an emotionless zombie walking the earth). And what better trigger TV show than Grey’s Anatomy! This show has more tragedy than all the people of the world put together. Arm-in-arm with tragedy is the saving of lives, and like I mentioned before – both metaphoric and literal.
This tragically beautiful show always manages to temporarily fill up all the empty spaces in my soul. But it also intensifies my want to save a life – which does not help my peace of mind (there’s nothing I can do about it). And that .. is okay! Because “okay” is good enough.